Detroit Sports Questions for the Presidential Debate

The 2016 Presidential election, which is now going on its 435th month (or so it seems), has reached the critical penultimate stage: Presidential debates. Unless you crawled under a rock, don’t own a television, or threw it out the window to avoid it, you know the first debate between Republican nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton takes place on Monday night.

As each candidate prepares to bicker, argue, and avoid tough questions, it got me to thinking, if we, as Detroit sports fans, could ask the candidates questions that pertain to the pressing issues in our sporting lives, what would they be?

Let’s imagine we took over the debate to ask the questions we want answered.

Disclaimer: There are a lot more important issues of course, but why not have some fun during this grueling, somewhat soul-crushing experience? What follows is (bad) satire, and is neither an endorsement or condemnation of either candidate.

Moderator: Madam Secretary Clinton, is Matthew Stafford an elite quarterback?

Clinton: Let me tell you who is elite. The American people who go to work everyday for low wages and very little vacation time. The military who bravely put their lives on the line, and all the voters who are going to vote for me.

M: Um, yes, but you didn’t really answer the question. Is Matthew Stafford elite?

C: Umm, I’ll consult my email and get back to you.

Trump: Look, Matthew Stafford is not elite, okay? He was given $41.7 million when he started his career. I started from nothing. I literally had nothing but the million dollars my father gave me to start my career. That’s pittance compared to what Stafford started with. In fact, he should be ashamed. He really should.

M: Moving on. Mr. Trump, your slogan is “Make America Great Again.” The Detroit Lions have not been great since 1958. What’s your plan to make the Detroit Lions Great Again?

T: So, look, making the Detroit Lions great again would be yuge. They’re one of the earliest members of the NFL. I have a very good plan to restore the roar, but I’d be crazy to share that plan with you, because the Packers might be listening. Trust me though, it’s a really great plan.

C: Well, the first thing I would do is give women equal protection within that organization. Women should be given the same opportunities men are given, and it starts in the NFL. They should follow in the footsteps of the San Diego Padres in baseball, who have that rookie female pitcher now.

M: Madam Secretary, that’s just a television sh–

T: Pathetic, typical Crooked Hillary. Look, women love me. They all love me. So you know, that lady pitcher in San Diego is gonna be great, but look, I’m the best television star there is, and when I’m elected, I’ll bring Celebrity Apprentice to the White House, and I’ll get to fire Brad Ausmus and Jim Caldwell on live TV. Then I’ll build a wall around Brush Street and make them pay for it so they can’t come back. I mean, that wall, it will be yuge. Just wait. You’ll see.

M: Turning to the Detroit Tigers, do you see them earning a playoff spot?

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C: The City of Detroit has never backed away from a challenge. So whether your closer is blowing saves against the Royals, or your manager keeps inexplicably playing Casey McGehee in a pennant race, your team will find a way to get it done. And, mark my words, they’re gonna win it all.

T: I’ve got it on good authority that the Baltimore Orioles may not even make it to the last game of the season, and they’ll all be arrested soon. I’m thinking the FBI will have something to say about their emails.

M: Mr. Trump, who is rookie of the year in the American League? Michael Fulmer or Gary Sanchez?

T: Gary Sanchez is a winner. Like me, he’s from New York, playing for the Yankees, the best team–they’re just the best team on the planet if you must know, like me. The best. Of course, it’s going to be Gary Sanchez. So, it will be especially hard to deport him back to the Dominican when I’m elected, but its the right thing to do so an American can take his job back.

C: I was born in my home state of Illinois, and was the first lady of my home state of Arkansas, and then, after serving as the first lady of my home state of the United States, I served in the Senate for my home state of New York. While I lean toward Sanchez, since he’s from the team in my home state, I need to pander in the State of Michigan to win this election, so I’ll say Fulmer. I’ve also decided to make Michigan my home state.

M: Okay, it looks like we’re running out of time. One final question. Did Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh really eat a booger on national television?

C: That’s a fascinating question, and one that needs intensive study. During my first 100 days, I’ll put together a task force to find out if Harbaugh eats his boogers. It will cost taxpayers $14 trillion, but it will be worth it to put everyone’s minds at ease to ensure Mr. Harbaugh is not in the basket of deplorables.

T: Yes, of course, he ate that booger. Every successful person I know eats boogers. Putin eats his boogers, Chris Christie eats his boogers, Ted Cruz–well, he eats other people’s boogers, but that’s a story for another day. Seriously, it’s brain food, because it’s coming from near your brain. You consume them, you get smarter. Like me. I had a five-course booger meal before kicking Hillary’s ass in this debate. I so won this, it’s so obvious. It’s painful how much I destroyed her. Boogers fueled this destruction.

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M: That wraps up tonight’s debate. And as we sign-off for the evening, let me leave you with this sobering thought. One of these two will be our President on January 20.

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