The Detroit Lions are a Dumpster Fire

The Detroit Lions are a bad football organization.

Hey, y’all. It’s been a minute. I’m not even going to talk about the Detroit Lions losing 31-3 in the preseason opener. Almost no actual key players saw any minutes and the preseason tells the casual fan almost nothing. But let’s be completely clear about one thing: the Detroit Lions are bad at football.

Let’s start with the coach. Matt Patricia, the grizzled old bear who thinks that sticking a pencil behind his ear is a substitute for a personality. The man who refuses to answer any questions of interest from reporters *because secrecy* but thinks it’s perfectly normal for a defense to know exactly what his offense is going to do. The guy who childishly demands that reporters sit up during press conferences while also showing up late to literally everything and dressing like he took a swim in Bill Belichick’s pool closet.

It only makes sense, though, seeing as how Patricia continually tries to emulate Belichick in all of his humorless goopiness in the name of establishing some kind of culture. The only culture he’s developed since arriving in Detroit can be found in his unwashed beard.

All the Patricia-era Lions have tried to be is a store-brand New England Patriots outfit, complete with pointlessly stupid epithets and practicing in the snow because why not? It’s not like Romeo Crennell, and Josh McDaniels failed when they did the exact same thing.

However, instead of actually emulating the Patriots’ methods by scouting and developing young talent, GM Bob Quinn, a New England guy himself, has simply tried to bring former Patriots on board for way too much money. LeGarrette Blount was given way too many reps before finally losing carries to the superior Kerryon Johnson, and Matt Cassel and Ricky Jean-Francois also didn’t even earn second seasons in Detroit.

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New ex-Patriots include 33-year-old Danny Amendola, who was given over $4 million despite never gaining more than 700 receiving yards in a season and Justin Coleman, who signed a $36 million, four-year deal to play nickleback. Okay. The team had better hope that Trey Flowers is a world-changer because his absurd contract will be eating more cap space than Matthew Stafford‘s massive deal by next season.

Let’s talk about more of the players on this roster. The Lions have no top-tier talent. None. The closest player they have to a true elite talent is Flowers, who was excellent in New England, but it is yet to be determined if he can be grafted into the Lions’ Patriots-lite routine. Darius Slay is very good, but his production dropped last season while he dealt with injuries and he’s about to turn 29.

Matthew Stafford has been excellent over the course of his career, but is no longer a baby-faced Calvinball-playing gunslinger; he’s a 31-year-old 10-year veteran. Damon Harrison is 30. There are some intriguing young talents, but none who have shown that they are elite-level players at their positions.

Star power aside, the Lions have several holes. The offensive line is still a mess. The team somehow *still* doesn’t have a number-two cornerback. There is almost no depth at any position. If Stafford goes down, his backups are *checks notes* Tom Savage and David Fales. Oh, gosh.

Last year’s Lions were uninspiring and uninteresting. They were predictable and boring and added very little during the offseason to offset the things that made them bad last season. This is a team with nowhere near enough talent to compete for a division title.

The Lions, as an organization, have sucked for a very long time. This season is going to be just as forgettable as all those other double-digit loss seasons in the oughts.